How do you get your girlfriend back

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How to cope with a bad break up

September 21st, 2012 · No Comments · How to cope with a bad break up

Warning: Not the usual fare..and yes, that’s a picture of the delicious Emma Stone

emma stone picture Recently, I stumbled across an interesting article in stuff.co.nz and also the Daily mail written by relationship expert Elly Taylor and thought why not share it right here?

It’s a little different from the usual fare that you’d expect to find in this blog but what’s significant is that a lot of what is written differs from our own opinions.

So why are we featuring an article even if we do not necessarily agree with all of the author’s views?

Well, variety is the spice of life as they say. And it’s still information that I strongly feel should be included here since this blog IS about getting your girlfriend back and the material is related. After all, it’s an article about how to cope and accept a break up which can be useful for some folks that may have decided for most parts not to reconcile their relationship.

Also, we don’t want this blog to necessarily express and represent only a specific type of information which may later label us here as narcissists or totalitarians.

Again, variety is what we’re all about here. And that’s what we want because we feel it’s important. Also, I’m presenting her thoughts here to see what you think as a whole, so feel free to comment.

Moving on- What this is….

This article talks about ways that you can cope with a break up and accept it- and most importantly, not feel like it’s the end of the world. I could send you the link but since you’re here anyway, I’ll make it easy for your little fingers and save you that trouble of clicking here and there. (you don’t have to thank me- I’m nice that way…)

Breaking up with Emma

Did you watch the Amazing Spider man? I know what you’re thinking- what the heck has that got to do with anything anyways? Well, oddly enough- it does.

Would you believe that someone in their right mind would ever want to break up with such a delicious, breath taking hottie such as Emma Stone? I mean, what’s up with that? Yep, I’m talking about the same blonde bombshell that played Spidey’s gorgeous flame in his new movie. (And Emma, if you’re reading this, gee- give me a call okay?)

Anyways, stuff.co.nz reports Emma Stone describing a past break up akin to something like being forced to watch while someone kills you. Slowly. (okay, so I added the “slowly” part.)

stuff.co.nz also reports that a recent study has shown that our lovely blonde hottie may not be too far off from the truth- a rejection in a romance and breaking up triggers a real physical pain. So love does hurt. (literally..) I still can’t for the love of heaven figure how someone would want to dump such a gorgeous doll like Emma but I’d better move on…

The Dos and Donts of coping with a break up- according to Elly Taylor

1.Firstly, the most important factor is to recognize that a break up is a valid loss.

And that loss to be recognized accordingly. So what Elly is trying to say is that you are allowed to mourn over that loss. (Agreed. And that’s what we say all along..) She adds that you need to recognize that the pain can be as traumatic as experiencing other losses such as a death of a loved one and others.

Elly suggests: Understand the stages that you’ll be going through such as anger, denial, bargaining and even depression. Then manage these emotions. This will determine how well you do in the last stages of accepting the break up.

What not to do according to Elly: Pretend that you’re A-Okay when you’re not and reject valid support. Do not sweep your feelings under the carpet, because you’ll only be worse off- you need to heal. Obviously, this is valid and sound advice and I could not agree more.

2. What you should never do

Manipulating your ex girlfriend into getting back into the relationship because of the pain. This will delay the inevitable and lead to a relationship that is compromised. Loss and pain is part of just living life and you need to somehow learn to get through them.

While I agree with Elly that one should never “manipulate” one’s ex into getting back into a relationship, I also believe that there are certain steps that must be followed if one is to have considerable success in getting back with an ex.

I am of course, referring to relationships where both partners will agree that they were good together and only broke up over reasons such as a misunderstanding etc… etc.

Every relationship is unique and again, I believe Elly’s views are based on the assumption that a relationship just isn’t working out anymore- for example- one party making it crystal clear that she wants to have her freedom or that she’s found someone new and is clearly happy in that new found relationship.

3. Getting busy to forget about the pain is okay-

but according to Elly you should never do it to avoid the pain because it’s counter productive. If you’re keeping yourself busy at work or partying every night just to make yourself feel better, that’s not going to work. It’s just a delaying tactic as the inevitable WILL occur. Again, sound advice- if a relationship just isn’t working anymore because of the reasons we talked about above.

4. Don’t get yourself into another new relationship before you’ve had the chance to recover and grief over the previous one.

Grief that hasn’t been resolved gets compounded and can fall and hit you like a ton of bricks (to quote Elly) at a later time. Elly also says that she’s worked with many clients who HAVE COME UNDONE by consequent short relationships because of this reason. (and it’s not because the newer relationships were great, it’s about not having resolved the last one)

5. And how long will the pain go on?

Elly believes that it depends on the relationship- a guideline is around 18 months plus another 18 months to grief and heal. What do I think? I think this is very individual and everyone has a different way of coping with grief and healing varies from one person to another.

I also think it really depends on how fast one gets into another relationship after a break up. You’d be surprise how fast one can “heal” from a break-up when you find someone else that you really dig.

6. How to fast track the healing process?

She feels that the most important factor of the grieving process is to express your emotions that accompany the grief. Let yourself feel it and find ways to get it out.

“Emotions are fluid in nature until we block those emotions- and when you block your emotions, it can turn into a problem like depression or anxiety. So express those emotions using creativity. Allow yourself a good cry, paint and tear an angry picture, punch a pillow (uh… guys don’t do this Elly, obviously you’re talking to the girls..) or just plain sing along with a good old fashioned sad love song. Tell all the worst sordid details to a trusted, best friend if you want.”

Elly adds that the best time to work on yourself is between relationships. This makes up the model for future relationships. In bad relationships, we compromise so much of ourselves and it’s time to retake those shiny bits that we gave away. I agree of course, except for the punching pillow part…

7. What if I did a terrible thing like calling up my girlfriend drunk?

Elly reckons that how you treat yourself after doing something that you regret indicates the relationship that you have with yourself. If you forgive yourself, you can start rebuilding your confidence and self esteem which might have taken a beating during a rejection. Beat yourself up constantly, and it just means that you’re “rejecting” yourself. So the key here is to be compassionate. To yourself.

8. How do you know the difference between depression and a heart break?

Depression is an emotion and a state- (lethargy, heaviness) and a natural part of experiencing loss and grief. It can appear in the morning and lasts for days weeks or months. She calls it a flat line. Emotions as she calls it are all shades of grey: If you feel that you need extra help, you should get it.

A heart break is a process which can move in different directions with varying degrees of high and lows in intensity levels. This just means that even during the break up process, you can feel moments of happiness or stuff that takes your mind away off things for a while. It won’t be long before you recover from those dreary moments of depression and will return to normal. Elly suggests keeping a journal to record and track your “waves” to keep up with your progress.

Everything’s cool- except most guys would consider keeping a journal to record their “feelings” a tad bit “feminine”- but that’s just me. It could work so why not try it right?

9. Should I listen to advice and if so, to whom?

Elly suggests that it’s better to stay away from any advice because that can and will complicate the process. What you’ll actually need is someone that is a great listener. Someone that can support you to work out what you need to help yourself. This is how you build resilience and is what will enable you to cope with a future loss. (This one, you be the judge..)

10. When to consult a therapist…

If your anger or depression continues and spiral upwards, and you start abusing yourself by drinking or even have panic attacks, Elly suggests it’s time to talk to a relationship counselor. It’s a good way to help you on your journey to recovery. (you can check online and search for association relationship counselors) If you live in Australia, she suggests www.aarc.org.au.

11. Cutting off all contact…..well, should I??

She reckons that this will depend on the stage that you’re in. If making contact will get you hurt more or move into desperate bargaining attempts (to get back into a relationship) this will further damage self esteem and leave you more vulnerable.

She believes that you can protect yourself with the no contact rule while you’re still grieving because that’s within your control. Of course, once you’ve healed you can have contact again if that’s what you desire. A little contact at this point for CLOSURE can help you heal because you’re leaving on good terms- and this fresh memory can help take away or reduce those bad ones.

Elly cited one example of a couple that met up many years later after a really bad break-up. They cried and went off as friends but of course, they’ll never get together again because both have new lives. She describes it as if a great boulder has been lifted off their shoulders.

12. What if I bump into my ex girlfriend? How should I then behave?

Well, she says: “Give yourself a big “INTERNAL HUG” while you take a deep breathe. Do keep it short and remember to give yourself a pat on the back after.

Elly Taylor is a relationship expert, author and counselor. Her books: Learning & Growing together, Becoming Us, Relationship Guide for Parents.

So what do you think? Tell us..

Till next, be good.

Tags: break up·How to cope with a bad break up

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